she shows me how her eyes hold water
and tells me he is an ocean.
i ask her why she doesn’t sail away.
rubs salt between her thighs.
takes off her eyes and rests them by the window sill.
maybe the weather will change, she tells me.
the wind blows and blows
there is a salt hurricane in her little room.
somewhere, her cat cries and pees into the bundle of horoscopes
by the door.
i tell her people don’t change.
i tell her rubbing salt on herself won’t make him love you.
i tell her she is not a lighthouse and he is not a lost ship.
she gathers her cat, she opens her legs and says he will come.
leave, she says.
sometimes when you recognize loves for what they are, when you realize just how incredible love could be, he doesn’t see it the way you do. and for whatever stupid reason that is, you know the only person you have control over is yourself and your own story. so if you want to slam this book with him in it down, you do that. you deserve happiness, not some chance of happiness, not some possibility of a potential love. you deserve to be looked at with eyes that penetrate into your soul, to be loved for your sense of humor and your friendship and your caring and everything else. you don’t deserve someone ‘who isn’t ready’ . you don’t deserve the cold shoulder, the neglect, the ignoring, the fact that you have to take a chance and wait. forget it. you move on. and some days will be bad and some days will be good. some days you will cry and you’ll want to hope again, you’ll want to believe in him again, but then you’ll remember painfully that you can only believe in yourself and no matter how much you are transformed in a relationship, you cannot assume the other person is too. sometimes, people just play games with you and that is all there is to it. what you know, beyond anything, is to have trust in the universe and in yourself, just know you will be okay, baggage, bad days and all.
you and i will be all right, love.
let’s begin the grandest love-affair of all. let’s begin to love ourselves.