your kiss

tastes like fresh cold sweet tangerines in july:
explosive.

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salt.

she shows me how her eyes hold water
and tells me he is an ocean.

i ask her why she doesn’t sail away.

she sighs.
rubs salt between her thighs.
takes off her eyes and rests them by the window sill.

maybe the weather will change, she tells me.

the wind blows and blows
there is a salt hurricane in her little room.

somewhere, her cat cries and pees into the bundle of horoscopes
by the door.

i tell her people don’t change.
i tell her rubbing salt on herself won’t make him love you.
i tell her she is not a lighthouse and he is not a lost ship.

she gathers her cat, she opens her legs and says he will come.

leave, she says.
get out.

to love someone.

when you’ve loved tigers and sharks and wasps long enough

it’s hard to believe there are people who want to do right by you

you start reading braille and learning hand signs and foreign languages

because when you’ve heard more lies than truth, even his soft words

make you want to carve out a little space inside yourself and

decipher if it could ever be true.

you start stopping at traffic signls when they say go.

you leave behind words and explanations at the door.

you wait for the bite, the blinding pain, you wonder when it’ll strike.

you keep counting every second of laughter because- when will it end.

you live within fears.

and then one day you realize: snakes and tigers and wasps

have never killed you.  and you realize that you will always be okay

in the end; that no man could ever make you feel belittled and small

and hurt without your consent, and with time.

you realize too that sometimes the hand that promises would love you

means it.

you know that because in the middle of the night they still reach for you

and draw you in close. they fill the gaps. they hold you at your best and

at your worst and they tell you that fairytales sometimes do have happy endings

and you believe them.

you.

i was so afraid to love till i met you;
till you showed me how easy love should be,
how i could lie awake at night, not running off to write
poetry, because i already found poetry in your mouth,
in the way you look at me sometimes, in the way
you pull me in so close to you the entire world blurs
and im surrounded by your scent, your words,
your taste on my lips, my taste on yours,
and finally: there is

peace

and ive run away so many times
but when you are not here holding me and warming me
when the absence of you plummets through me over
and over; so acutely, so stubbornly it hurts,

i miss you

ive finally found peace in you
in those mornings when i could have sworn i felt like
every burden had been lifted, every fear put on hold for a while
with you, things feel so right and so beautiful and so simple
and i am such an idiot to let this go, because all i want
is

you

but how do i tell you this,
when i am this scared, of hurt. i live in calendars and schedules
and little checkered boxes because messy things frighten me
because i am scared closing my eyes for a second would mean
i would fall off the diving board, into infinities of disappointment
because i am scared i’ll have to say goodbye to you too

and how do i do that

when your touch paralyzes me,
when the thought of us sweetens every sadness, makes things so
worthwhile, makes the days a little happier, makes me want to
lose myself in you over and over again, in your dizzying laugh,
your sweet eyes, the way you have your little freak-outs
and all i see is this boy ive tried so hard to run away from

but i can’t

because ive run out of places to run to
and you are always here.

unions.

i want to protect you
from every sadness in this world; this union
between us yearns to bring back the carefree in your laugh,
longs to bring light into the crevices of your soul

this is a longing that spans skies and horizons,
in this distance that is less than a distance, let me be there
your happiness has become my happiness, your sadness suddenly mine.

this is a love more than love,
in this depth there are no words, only a familiar happiness
with you, with only you. take my hand,
know i’ll never hurt you, this heart could never hurt any of you.

there are roads and bridges and dreams
that lead nowhere, and there is you- you have become
the road, the map, the destination.

on the other side of the postcard.

nothing in this world is certain;
so what can be said of you or me
i want all my tomorrows to begin with you
yet i know even this could be my last breath

so i’d like to tell you if ever you chance upon this read
i have always loved you, it seems, even before our time
and i am certain that between us is an unbreakable thread
that traverses our destinies and unites our souls

you’d scoff at me if i told you i had woken up some nights
with your name on my lips, every fiber of my being terrified
that i’d lost you- the feeling of losing you so familiar-
as if our goodbyes have surpassed our beginnings countless times

i hope you find love, dearest
it’s funny- so long i’d thought it mattered you loved me
and now i realize it doesn’t. all i desire is your happiness,
is for you to feel too, the electricity of love

the way it makes you hope against hope,
place faith in helpless things, find beginnings amongst endings.

she is lucky, you know. she has all her tomorrows with you.

i’m glad for our little dreams, our yesterdays,
i’m glad for the goodbyes because they gave me a hello with you
and i know tomorrow is but a dream, and i keep writing letters to you
that you’ll never read-

like writing letters to an astronaut i’m in love with-

but i love you.

it’s a little shout into the countless galaxies between us
that i love you in the way the sun loves the moon;
distantly quietly softly amongst shadows
without names or possesions.

i hope you find love; i hope you find all your beginnings
someday send me a postcard, i’ll let you know
my beginnings too.

x.