salt.

she shows me how her eyes hold water
and tells me he is an ocean.

i ask her why she doesn’t sail away.

she sighs.
rubs salt between her thighs.
takes off her eyes and rests them by the window sill.

maybe the weather will change, she tells me.

the wind blows and blows
there is a salt hurricane in her little room.

somewhere, her cat cries and pees into the bundle of horoscopes
by the door.

i tell her people don’t change.
i tell her rubbing salt on herself won’t make him love you.
i tell her she is not a lighthouse and he is not a lost ship.

she gathers her cat, she opens her legs and says he will come.

leave, she says.
get out.

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on the other side of the postcard.

nothing in this world is certain;
so what can be said of you or me
i want all my tomorrows to begin with you
yet i know even this could be my last breath

so i’d like to tell you if ever you chance upon this read
i have always loved you, it seems, even before our time
and i am certain that between us is an unbreakable thread
that traverses our destinies and unites our souls

you’d scoff at me if i told you i had woken up some nights
with your name on my lips, every fiber of my being terrified
that i’d lost you- the feeling of losing you so familiar-
as if our goodbyes have surpassed our beginnings countless times

i hope you find love, dearest
it’s funny- so long i’d thought it mattered you loved me
and now i realize it doesn’t. all i desire is your happiness,
is for you to feel too, the electricity of love

the way it makes you hope against hope,
place faith in helpless things, find beginnings amongst endings.

she is lucky, you know. she has all her tomorrows with you.

i’m glad for our little dreams, our yesterdays,
i’m glad for the goodbyes because they gave me a hello with you
and i know tomorrow is but a dream, and i keep writing letters to you
that you’ll never read-

like writing letters to an astronaut i’m in love with-

but i love you.

it’s a little shout into the countless galaxies between us
that i love you in the way the sun loves the moon;
distantly quietly softly amongst shadows
without names or possesions.

i hope you find love; i hope you find all your beginnings
someday send me a postcard, i’ll let you know
my beginnings too.

x.

outrageous rebellious love.

when you compliment me
don’t say i lost weight, like it’s the biggest victory of a woman
to lose ten pounds. don’t reduce me to a number.

don’t say i’ve gotten prettier, just because i put some make-up on.

don’t call me a sweetheart because you are lonely
don’t say, you saw me across the room and i caught your eye,
don’t reduce me to an object in the room

please stop undressing me when i walk in
as if i was nothing more than a dish you’d like to try.

don’t say you love me
because you think that’s the fastest way to get a woman into bed.

before you compliment me,
i hope you realize i don’t have self-esteem issues
because i’m not a size 0. i have my bad days,
but i love my body.

don’t judge me for something as shallow as my looks.

compliment me the way you compliment a man:
for his humor, his wit, his skills.

when you say you love me;
love me because i make you laugh, because i make your life
interesting, because you’ve seen the scars and you still want to
hear every story behind them. love me because of my gestures,
not for my figure, because of the way my eyes light up when i talk,
not for my looks.

before you compliment me, don’t think a girl feels bad
about herself all the time. don’t tell me i’m beautiful for my looks,
tell me i have a beautiful soul. that’s the lasting powerful kind.

before you say you love me, know i’ve always loved another.
i’ve been rebelliously relentlessly outrageously in love with myself
all this time.

and honey, that’s not gonna change.

<3

there is a certain freshness with you.

every moment is joy with you.

 

oh, you carry my heart when you say hello.

 

there is a certain comfort with you.

there is a longing with you.

 

oh, you take away every filter i carry.

 

i am myself with you.

you make the rest of the world disappear,

become insignificant, irrelevant. 

 

i am merely seeking you in everyone i meet.

 

because if letting you go means i love you, then know that i love you.

i do not have the courage to tell you

that my heart has already made a promise to yours.

how do i tell you that i long to fall in love with your laugh,

with the way you order your coffee at the coffeshop,

that my hands sometimes suddenly feel empty when they

realize they haven’t held your palms.

 

how do i tell you that everyone else seems like settling

after meeting you. everyone is a detour back to you dear friend,

everything leads me back to you.

 

maybe you’d know if you saw me sometimes; the way you make me

laugh, the way i feel like everything i’ve wanted love to be has become

complete since meeting you.

 

how do i tell you i am terrified.

that i do not think you could feel half of what i feel for you, that

i could never compare with all the girls out there, that though i know

our lives have crossed, i am afraid we might part ways, and it feels

familiar- the pain of losing you, of not having you.

 

how do i tell you dearest

that i am throwing every caution to the winds in loving you

placing your happiness out there, letting you go,

because if letting you go means i love you, then know

that i love you.

absence.

it’s the after-missing that’s hard:

realizing you have all these things to share and knowing

you no longer can; almost like 

a house you once shared- the ease in which things have

taken their place by your routine;

the umbrella behind the door, the newspaper on the

right corner of the table, the keys in the jar,

now sit oddly out of place in nooks and corners,

carelessly thrown and left.

in your absence, i learn to love things in a lonely way,

find quiet joys in things we would once have marvelled at

together.

in your absence, i learn to love others,

this new possibility, this opening up. this slowly drifting of

us.

in your absence, i finally learn that things will be okay

even without you around.