salt.

she shows me how her eyes hold water
and tells me he is an ocean.

i ask her why she doesn’t sail away.

she sighs.
rubs salt between her thighs.
takes off her eyes and rests them by the window sill.

maybe the weather will change, she tells me.

the wind blows and blows
there is a salt hurricane in her little room.

somewhere, her cat cries and pees into the bundle of horoscopes
by the door.

i tell her people don’t change.
i tell her rubbing salt on herself won’t make him love you.
i tell her she is not a lighthouse and he is not a lost ship.

she gathers her cat, she opens her legs and says he will come.

leave, she says.
get out.

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finally:

how can these twenty-six letters
carry all the love i have for you. how do i make you feel
an inch of this gigantic universe you’ve built in me.

i miss you.
i miss you so much that it physically hurts not talking to you.

yet i do not know where to begin.
where our talks used to be carefree, long, simple, now they are
strained, soft, sad. this distance finally feels like the million miles it is,
the familiar feeling of you in the next room suddenly faded.

you used to make me laugh.

you used to say those special sacred words
and i’d beam and light up like a Christmas tree for weeks. i’d dance
listening to our favorite songs and daydream in locked rooms
and keep those words like a shrine in my heart.

i could repeat them to strangers on the street,
you are my favorite author and my best friend.

why does being in love with you hurt this much?

i just want to pack all this love i have for you in a suitcase
so this hurt doesn’t feel like it’s infiltrating, oozing into the cracks
of my soul. your words have lost their meaning, dearest.
i am not that special.

i am not the girl you miss at 2pm when you are swamped
with work. or the reason why you’d anxiously check your phone
every hour. i am not the girl you think about when a love song
comes on the radio or the girl you want to kiss more than anything
else in the world. i’m not the reason you smile to yourself
and i’m not the name that makes you tender and safe and glad.

it feels like the fuse box has gone off and now the only person
i could have depended on is the reason why i am sitting in the dark.
i miss you. and i wish my heart didn’t feel so blocked, aching and
full of words it can’t get out.

i thought i could love you from a distance without attachments
but i can’t help feeling so small and helpless and hurt. when one day
you are going to tell me about her and how you kissed her and it felt
like everything you’ve wanted in a lifetime was in those few minutes
with her, i hope i’ll be somewhere far off in a universe where
it would have felt like the ache of missing every train in my life.

maybe i need some time to get there, to the other side when i can
truly let you go. when i fell in love with you, it was for everything you were;
with every twenty six letters of the alphabet that we shared

but now it feels like i need more,
like i need more letters so you’d understand the dull aching pain
of loving someone who doesn’t love you back.

letting go;

i am not writing sad poems about you anymore
there is a loveliness in letting go;

there is beauty in setting free something so wonderful as you

when you are out there with me only as a distant reminder
know i’ll always remember you, always wishing the best for you.
and when you are out there change as many lives as you can
the way you did with me.

i hope you meet a girl who makes you believe in love.
i hope you realize it is worth it.

i was wrong when i said love isn’t worth much because i loved you.
and believe me, it was worth it.

so i hope you find all the happiness in this world
and all the answers to the questions we’ve asked and i hope one day
we’d know if our lives turned out the way we dreamt.

send me a postcard sometime.

so when you go, close the door behind you, i’ll clear up this space
you left behind somehow. i’ll still write letters to you but
i probably wouldn’t have your address and you won’t have mine.

there is a loveliness in letting go, there is something beautiful
in freeing something as wonderful as you.

when it rains, i’ll always think of you.

-an excerpt.

lifetimes after.

what you didn’t utter, i kept on listening

what you didn’t dream, i kept on seeing

i found a place to dwell in the corners of your eyes,

a little solace, a refuge, in the softness of your words

 

what you see in me, i’d never know

there is some strange happiness in this sorrow

sometimes less, sometimes more,

i find myself somewhere else with you once more

 

what you didn’t say, i kept on hearing

what you didn’t feel, i kept on imagining

why do i fall for such impossible things,

why is it with you, i feel like i have lost you already

 

where you are, i no longer know

separated again and again, it seems, for lifetimes,

even this union seems brief, pre-destined to end,

my heart forever yearning, my soul always longing

 

why is it, with you, i feel like i have lost you already.

i miss you.

if the universe wants me to forget about you
it’s one of the hardest things i’d had to do
i wake up and the dreams i have of you cling to me
like cobwebs; there is a pang in my heart. everything
in me feels more dead in your sudden absence.
it’s foreign, it’s different, i miss you, i miss
you.

i feel less, i feel as if my other half is somewhere
leading some other life, and there was you and me, and now
this sudden change has left me here, wondering how i’m
going to get through this rest without you. please tell me
how you could throw away something so easy and magical
so easily, just like that.

i’m trying to forget about you, i’ve let you go
but i cannot help turning back for something more,
a sign, a word from you, something to let me know
this couldn’t be the goodbye to a perfect friendship.